Well, to piggy back on yesterday’s post…
I would tell my younger self that she is not asking for too much. That it is not her job to manage other people’s feelings. And to stop apologizing for having your own feelings.
It is one of those things when you grow up in an unhealthy home, where you learn to manage the adults in your life because it makes everything easier for everyone. You learn what sets people off and you avoid setting them off. The simplest way to get through the day.
The thing is as an adult, it is hard to stop doing that. It is incredibly difficult to prioritize yourself because any time you start to give push back, you are railroaded because you never had a problem before now.
The thing is… I did have a problem. I probably even mentioned it but I cushioned it between “I would really appreciate it if…” or “It’s okay if you can’t do this right now but maybe in the future”. It is easy to manage your partner’s and your children’s feelings and outbursts if you avoid the landmines. It is exhausting and nobody notices what you are doing because you clear away the landmines before anyone can step on them and have to deal with the consequences.
When the landmines inevitably get triggered because managing multiple people and their landmines is difficult, something will eventually fail. And then everyone is mad that you did not prevent the explosive from going off. It is never about the person who has the landmines that they keep throwing out. You are the problem because you have always managed it before so why did you mess up now.
The kids are gone. Their landmines are going off for someone else now. And at 40, I am tired of having to worry about landmines. I want to figure out who I am, if I was not the one in charge of landmines. I am tired of managing my language and apologizing when I have not done anything wrong. I am allowed to have feelings and thoughts.
My feelings are valid and I have the right to express them without being accused of being difficult or trying to tear someone down. When I tell the truth, I am not trying to hurt anyone. I am saying what is happening and what I need to see changed.
Couples therapy is hard. But it is eye opening. I spend so much time apologizing for things that I should not apologize for. Things that are beyond my control. Yet every time I ask for something to change or to even be acknowledged, there is an argument over the very existence of the problem I want to fix.
I have been learning the last couple years how much toxic masculinity and gender disparities have made these such common problems in partnerships. So I understand, I cannot entirely blame him for being defensive. It is another ridiculous social construct that is trying to keep women in their place.
I wish I had brought up the problems when they manifested and not after all this time. These emotional imbalances were never okay, but I let it slide. I let myself be “better” at it. I do not want to better at it. I want a partner willing to shoulder some of the load so I do not have to all alone.
Younger self: Speak up when things begin to feel unfair. Stand your ground. Expect better.
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