Honestly, my past self would be really proud of how I am setting boundaries. It has been hard. Extremely difficult even. However, I am setting the boundaries and letting them stand.
I have been working on better communicating my needs and not letting my needs be railroaded. Through various relationships in my life, I have always been taken for granted. People rely on me to do everything, to fix everything, to remember everything. And at 40, I am tired of being that person. I want to be myself.
I do not mind helping, but I no longer want to be in charge of everything for everyone. Some people I have to bend myself for and let them lean on me more heavily than others. I have stood my ground the last few years with my partner. I said I do not want to keep being his mother. I want him to be a partner. I need him to step up and actually do what he says he is going to do.
My individual therapy and our couples therapy has really helped push me to say these things. And helped me weather the backlash as my partner has been forced to see how I have been treated the past decade.
There was so much confusion and distance on his end as we worked through some very big issues for me. A few times, I thought our relationship would not make it. It has not been perfect. We both struggle at times. But the acknowledgement that I am not crazy has been so good for my mental health.
Being able to explain that he does a lot for me and for our family and home, but that is not the problem. I am tired of being expected to keep track of everything. I want to be able to hand off a chore and not think about it ever again. Not checking in to make sure the chore is getting done.
I want some space in my brain for something else than all the lists of the house. I realize that I will always have to be the keeper of the lists, but I want to trust that he can actually finish a task well without my having to check in. I hate having to feel apprehension about giving him something important to do because I am afraid it will not get done. And I especially hate being asked what I need help with the night before or the day of an event that I have been planning for weeks. All the work has been happening for days, weeks, sometimes months, and he walks in like I have not been talking about it or asking for things this entire time. It is beyond frustrating.
I want to be remembered like the details of his D&D campaigns. That is my dream right now. I want to give him a task and he takes care of it like he does for work or for his friends in their campaign.
I have been standing up for myself and I have not backed down. We are still not where I want to be, but I am not going to stop fighting to be treated better and to have a healthier relationship for both of us.
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