It feels weird to truly not know where I want to go from here. I have my partner. I have my pets. I have my writing. I do not know where there is to grow from here.
Before my father passed, I had given up on the idea of adding to our family because it hurt so much to be so summarily rejected in the end. The big question being what did I do wrong? What could I have done differently? And honestly, there is no real answer. When she had her freak out in August, she said I was right. That she wanted to come home. That she had no future where she was. Then she chose that all over again. Leaving me to be runner up again.
It is hard not to feel used. That my only value is what I can give and that it is only valuable when she wants it. She had changed her email by her birthday. I could not send her a message. Even though mine did not change, she did not send me the new one. I received no birthday message from her. Her father received no birthday message from her. It has been eerily quiet again.
To have these small reminders that the most important person in your life walked away at the same time that one of the former most important people in your life is lost forever, it was excruciatingly painful. It made my world feel so small.
The nuclear family I created is shattered. The nuclear family I was born into is missing a member. And fear about the future has taken hold of me. What do I do now?
It still seems like a terrible idea to adopt again. I am so broken from the previous adoption. A pregnancy is still a terrible idea. Surrogacy seems surreal. It is hard to think straight some days about this issue. There are so many people angry about kids being “taken” from their birth families. Some truly do not have a family. But the messaging is all the same. I do not want to steal someone’s child. I want to give a home to someone who does not have one. I want to love and nurture them. Watch them grown into an independent person with their own dreams and hopes.
Instead, I am here. Broken from the last people I opened my heart to. Now down a support that you always think will be there. And I do not know what to do again. I am older. I am wiser. But I am more broken. Nothing will erase the pain I feel.
I have never ascribed to those ideas that replacing a pet right away is a great idea. I need to mourn. I need to recover. And before the end of August, I thought I was recovering. Then I got sucked into the drama again because that is what a parent does. Your child reaches out for help and you offer it. Then I was crushed again. Still reeling from that, I lost a parent. Suddenly. In less than a day in the hospital, he slipped away.
Now I wonder what is next? What will I lose next? What can I do now to put me on a path for a future I want to have? I have my writing. I have my partner. I have my pets. I have my dreams of travel. My dreams of art.
Will that be enough? I do not know.
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