I think my dad has been the relationship that has taught me the most about not only who I am but who I want to be. My father passed away yesterday. A lot of my humor and personality was shaped by my dad. My father was not a good father, but he was a good man. From him I learned what I did not want to be as a parent, but I also learned to not judge others or look down on people who are struggling or ostracized from society.
He ran his own business that constantly was in the red because he did not have the heart to push people to pay for things if they said they were unable to. He allowed them to buy milk and other goods to feed their children with only the promise that they would pay it back. He never approached them about paying it off. He even threw some of the slips away so there would be no proof that they owed anything. A lot of people took advantage of him and lied about their ability to pay for things. They would suddenly have new vehicles or expensive clothes and still would not pay off what they owed my family. However, there were many people that truly needed the help and he would always err on the side of helping someone rather than thinking poorly of them.
As an adult I learned a lot about my father from a different perspective. I learned that he had actually felt unwanted by his parents and had a lot of internalized doubt of whether people wanted him in their lives. I never thought that I would need to ask if my own father would come to my wedding, graduation, or my children’s birthdays. Doubt hung over him. He needed the reassurance that someone cared and that he would be missed if he did not attend. He did not want to intrude and make people uncomfortable.
It put a lot of my childhood into perspective and it also widened the canyon of hard feelings between me and my older siblings. They did not invite him to things or even keep him updated on how their lives were going. In fact one of them said they would stay in the state if my parents would buy them a home. It was bizarre for them to have such demands on my father. A man with children still living at home, not yet adults. A man that worked a full time job on top of employing people at his own business. It was crazy.
My dad also tried to do it. He asked my mom if there was any way we could help with a house purchase. It was insane. It caused a huge uproar in our home. As I have mentioned before, we had hit bankruptcy twice during my childhood. Yet my parents continued to try to provide for us and keep us afloat.
I loved my dad. I stayed and learned who he was as a person. Without the expectations one may place on a father. I talked to him and I listened. I read between the lines of what he would say and how he would behave. He was an incredibly insecure person who would do anything to be loved by his parents and children, yet at the tiniest hint that he was failing them would hide to try to avoid being faced with rejection. As a child, I thought he was so self confident and self assured. When confronted with reality, my perceptions changed. My father had been placed on a pedestal, one he did not deserve, but one that came from me being a child and him the role model I was given.
My dad was a man. A person who carried his own trauma and experience. A man that was still a good man that only wanted to help people if he was able and would still try even if he could not. I was never afraid of disappointing him because he never wanted me to feel the way he had as a child. The very thing that formed the blueprint for what kind of parent I would become. He always wanted you to feel welcome and comfortable. He never wanted anyone to have hard feelings. Every funeral I attended with him, he would make me laugh no matter how much I tried not to. He was so incredibly infuriating in so many ways but the world is dimmer without him. It is hard to lose someone like him. Someone who would not want me to cry over the loss. A man who would be the first to tell you that you do not want to be like him. My father had many flaws, but he was my dad and he instilled his moral compass in me and the belief that no matter how terrible the world can be, there is still good to be found.
I love you, Dad. I will carry this loss the rest of my life and I will remember to never judge too harshly and to never let those I carry about feel unwelcome in my life.
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