Oh, boy. Now that is a question.
I always strive to be very honest with what I post here and this will be no different. While at university I had a few manic episodes that I luckily survived. At the time I was diagnosed with Bipolar Type II. A decade after that period of time, my current providers do not see how I could have been given that diagnosis. I was a much different person then and even now looking back on it, I agree with the diagnosis I was given. It was a very tumultuous time for me. Medication and therapy helped, but I think it was the development of the pain disorder that really ended the difficulty I had with managing it. Chronic pain disorders are known to change brain chemistry. It makes sense why my current providers do not see any markers for Bipolar any more.
During university, I was very lonely even among friends. Sometimes I would get in my car, pick a direction and drive. It would take hours before I even realized what I was doing and then I would turn around and come back. Other times, I would go onto my online dating profile and flirt. During the real hard times I would meet up alone at one of these people’s homes. I was so incredibly lucky to never end up getting hurt or killed. Most of the time, absolutely nothing happened other than watching television and maybe heavy petting. Never anything that would be classified as a type of sex by anyone.
I would be in such a haze that I would wake up back on campus and be so confused. After a few incidents, I told my friend who encouraged me to tell her where I was going and any identifying information. Occasionally she was able to convince me to not go in the end.
I have to say that I was lucky that I found guys that were as lonely as I was back then. Nothing happened. Some of which I remained in contact with for years afterward, checking in with each other.
I went through another bout like this between the two longest relationships of my life. Though the second time I was a lot more discerning about meeting anywhere that was not public. Would I do it again if I were to become divorced? It is hard to tell. Sometimes I feel the manic and depressive episodes still, but they are definitely not as strong as they once were. And honestly, it could be straight up depression. That is my current diagnosis.
“Not all men.” I know it is not all men. I met a few handfuls of dudes who did not take advantage of the situation. I was incredibly lucky.
That was the most spontaneous time of my life and the most absolutely bizarrely spontaneous things I did during those periods.
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