Why would people want to have kids? It seems like it ruins relationships.

This is an entirely fair observation. I had a reader send me this question. There is a lot of truth behind the words.

For some reasons it is a biological imperative to have kids. For another, it is a religious one. And for others it is a societal expectation that has deeply burrowed into their psyche. Women especially are encouraged to pretend to have babies and be mothers as children.

It is not the children’s fault their parents’ relationships fall apart. There are a lot of factors that keep relationships healthy: good communication, equal division of labor, levels of stress, outside influences, healthy sex life, and the health of the individuals. There are so many other factors but those tend to be the largest.

Biological or adopted, kids come with a lot of baggage. They have wants and desires that their parents do not share. They have needs that should be filled by their parents. That is stress put into a person’s life, to care and nurture a child. Now add learning disabilities, incompatible energy levels, and generally never having been a parent before, there are lots of possibilities for even more stress.

Stress is typically what breaks down a relationship. One partner takes on more roles of parenting. One partner is too tired from the stress to maintain their own health or their relationship’s sexual health. Communication break downs occur frequently because as a parent you are constantly being communicated with or about your child. Schools, doctors, children’s friends parents, coaches, and so many more are constantly bombarding you with information. That is a lot of information to disseminate to the parents, let alone what else is happening in the parents’ lives or their families’ lives. So much information! Now you are stressed on top of it. Things are crazy. It is hard to keep up. You have never had a baby before, a toddler before, a child, a teenager, an adult child….. It is unknown, which is stress.

Nobody can ever be ready to be a parent. Each child is different. Some are easier than others. It does not necessarily make you a bad parent. However, there are outside forces that you are constantly being compared with. Whether you compare yourself, your child compares you, or some other person in your life is comparing you, it all is awful. You get down on yourself, you struggle, and it is hard to see what the point is in continuing to try.

The best thing you can do before you have kids is go to therapy together and talk about your relationship and the childhoods you experienced. It is incredibly important to be on the same page before you start parenting. You need to know what your partner expect their kids’ lives to be like, what they think you are going to do, and what you will expect them to do. If you can come up with a general plan and expectations about the bigger picture, then the small things will not seem like such a bad deal. It is important to keep going to therapy as you adapt to parenting. Your couples’ therapist can be a great referee when unexpected things happen and the two of you struggle with what to do. It helps to keep resentment from building up. The therapist will encourage the both of you to talk so that you can both be heard by the other.

It is incredibly fair to not want to have children because you do not want to deal with all the baggage that will come with it. Being a parent is hard, and being a good one is nearly impossible. It puts a relationship to the test and sometimes you are going to fail. It requires a lot of prep work and not just the making of a baby, but talking with your spouse and really getting to know each other.

My partner and I did the prep work and we thought we were well prepared. So many things came up that we had not even considered, but we fell back on the foundation that we built. The fact that we had tried to prepare, that we wanted to be able to stay together through it all has been the driving force behind our relationship reset.

Some days I wonder what it would have been like for us to have never had the girls. And other days I think about how much less I would know about my partner if we had never had them. You learn so much about a person when you both struggle together through something. It is probably the biggest stress test you can put a relationship through.

I do not blame you for not wanting to do it. Between the environment, politics, and the state of the world, it is incredibly understandable why people would not want to have children. Then to realize most relationships fail nowadays and having children will increase that likelihood, it makes sense to not want to go through with it. I do not begrudge anyone for choosing not to do it. It is a choice. A choice that we all should all make with our eyes open to all the pain and hurt that can come from it. It is okay to enjoy your relationship as it is and not want it to change. Sometimes that is the best choice we can make for ourselves.

If you do choose to have kids, remember it is never their fault for being in your life. And if you ever think you could be pushed to the point where you will think that or say that, then having kids is not for you. Children do not ask to be born, and they do not ask to be in a position where they have adoption as their only option.

Deciding to have kids is not something that will only affect you. It will affect everyone involved, especially the kids.