Do you think we’re shaped more by our experiences or by who we are?

We are definitely shaped more by our experiences than any inherent sense of self. Learning about the effects of attachment, trauma, and exposure easily explains a lot of behaviors that most people would consider the core of who they are.

I would say that I am a very empathetic person, but when you look at my history you clearly see where I was forced to become that person. I grew up in a home and have since lived in a situation where my sense of safety or hope for a good day caused me to become very attuned to the people around me. I anticipate others’ needs to make sure things go smoothly. I over explain and have social anxiety because other people are a source of stress for me. My experiences taught me that in order to have successful relationships, I needed to be perfect. That failure put more work on others around me in an unfair way.

A lot of our values come from our family and our experiences with them. We are not born with a value system. Children are taught through watching their parents’ actions. Everyone can learn to be better. The best teacher is by doing. If we are only shaped by what we are born with, then we would not grow or learn. We would hold the same opinions as we did as small children. You may have hated vegetables as a child, but now they are a regular part of your everyday meals. You learned through experience ways to prepare foods in a way that is pleasing to you.

Our every interaction with the world around us informs us of who we are by our reactions to it. Our reactions are based on lived experience. More confident people have typically faced less hardship and have better support systems. The way we perceive the world and our place in it is highly dependent on our experience of it. If you grew up with food insecurity, you are going to be an adult who will not let their children waste food. When you begin to isolate parts of a person and search for the source, it will be an experience standing behind it. Some are harder to see than others and it takes time and a willingness to tease out the reasons, but soon they all unravel.

The world around us shapes us into who we are for better or worse.