Before you can even think about making a boundary, first you have to identify your feelings and their causes. Say your mother is always commenting on your looks. First you have to identify what about her comments is upsetting you and how you feel about the comments. For instance, if she is commenting specifically on your weight and whether you have gained or lost weight. You happen to have a history of yo-yo weight loss and gain. People commenting on your body weight causes you to focus on yourself and now you begin the cycle again.
Now that you know what and why these things are bothering you, you can talk with the person saying these things. You need to be in a calm place and attempt to not be emotionally reactive during this talk. It is extremely difficult. What you do not want to do is accuse the person of doing this thing purposely to hurt you. Even if you suspect they might be. Use ‘I’ statements. “I feel hurt when people comment on my weight because of my history of poor self image.” Try to generalize and not specifically point out things this person says to you. Your feelings are valid and you do not have to go into any depth with your explanations. Saying that whatever this person is doing hurts you is enough.
You have given them your boundary of not wanting to have future experiences with them like this. Now is the time to think about reinforcement of this boundary, if you have not already. You can decide to remind them if you feel like they will need reminders. If they become flippant or rude going forward when you remind them, then you may need to have consequences. Sometimes it can be as simple as not returning phone calls, or skipping a holiday with that person. If they ask why you are avoiding them, you have to be honest. “I asked you not to mention my weight. You continue to do it even though you know it hurts me.” That is all you have to say when asked. Typically, people know that they have gone past your boundaries.
You have to be firm in your response. Sometimes life happens and you will have to interact with these people. Say a funeral needs to happen or other life event where you will be forced to see this person. Do the minimum interaction that you have to do. When the event is over, continue reinforcing your boundary.
Eventually the person learns if they honestly care about you. If they do not, then they may try and get other people on their side. Be honest. Do not elaborate. “I asked them not to mention my weight. They continued to talk about it even though they know it hurts me.” Most people will find what you are saying to be reasonable and if they do not, then you need to create a new boundary for a different reason. Tell them, “I do not want to talk about that person. If you want to talk about something else, that is fine, but I do not want to talk about that person any more.” There are no sides in boundary setting. There is a boundary and if people want to cross it, that is their choice. You do not have to stay there while they do it.
If the person has no attachment to your life, not a coworker, part of your friend group, or family, then it is even easier to remove that person from your life. You can block their number, their social media accounts, and do various other things to keep these people out of your life.
The first step is always the hardest. It is having enough self esteem to recognize that you do not have to let people hurt you any more. Usually when you have people like this in your life, then it has gone on for awhile and you begin to think that is just the way that person is and there is no changing it. There is always a way to change it. Either they change, or you do. Nobody is forcing you to have these people in your life, but you. You control the access others have to you. Use that power to protect your well being.
Some people talk about having healthy boundaries in intimate relationships. It is always important to communicate to a partner about something upsetting you and your partner should feel comfortable talking to you about things that hurt them. If you do not have those levels of communication in your relationship, then either go to couples counseling or end the relationship. A partner should be someone who supports you and listens to you. If you find yourself having to reinforce boundaries, then it is not a safe relationship. Please do something about your intimate relationship as soon as possible. Your partner should never be a source of pain. They should want you to feel safe and comfortable with them.
Mother of Trauma 
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