self reflection

I had a bit of a moment over the weekend. They say that when you become a parent that a lot of your own childhood trauma gets brought up to the surface. Things that you think are normal for you and are things that make you who you are turn out to be remnants of your childhood experience.

I prefer to stay unnoticed. I do not like to have a big fuss made about me. Whether it is a congratulations on a job well done, or a birthday acknowledgment, or even the fact that I made something nice.

As a person, I am constantly evaluating myself and wanting to improve. To have someone tell me that I did something well when I know I could have done better is hard for me to accept. It is just uncomfortable. Over the last few years, I have actually come a long way by being able to be satisfied with letting things be finished. Not letting a project hang over my head that I say I need to come back to and try again. I finish it. I look at whatever it is and decide I did the best that I could at the time and now this is what it is. I allow myself to move on to something else.

Over the last decade or so, I experienced my body failing me in ways I still struggle with. I always pride myself on being self-sufficient. As time has gone by I have had to grapple with the fact that I cannot do what I once could. Then add in some mental health issues and the pandemic causing my anxiety issues to become extreme and things have been really hard for me the last few years.

When my lovely partner offers to help me or do things for me out of the blue, I am triggered. I am caught off guard wondering what I am failing at now. Why am I struggling so much in this moment that he notices and thinks I need assistance? I have had to suck up a lot of my feelings over the years to even admit I am struggling. When he offers to help me with a big blanket statement, I am immediately defensive.

This led to a large fight this weekend because I cannot handle it and I have not been able to really put into words why it makes me so angry. I do not like to be acknowledged when I am doing well. So to be reminded of my faults immediately shatters my peace of mind. I lash out in my confusion of what I have been perceived at failing at.

I put a lot of pressure on myself to hold it together and get things done. I think I have just reached a point where I cannot do that any more. I need to learn a new way to move forward.