One thing I would change about myself

One common complaint I have received from the people I care about most is I am standoffish about physical touch. I have always been this way and I have no idea what the basis would be other than personal preference.

I have never been a touchy-feely kind of person. I prefer to have my bubble and I do not really care to be in anyone else’s personal space.

The best idea I can come up with for why is that I grew a lot faster than my peers and perhaps my self consciousness became so internalized I preferred to be kept at an arms length.

I know my family would prefer me to be more open and free with hugs and whatever else they feel that I am insufficiently providing. I wish I could change that about myself. There have been moments in my life where I feel like I was more free and open with them, but I am currently at a place where it is very difficult for me.

It probably stems from the large amount of angst and trauma at our house since the girls moved in. If I do not feel secure in my own feelings or my own home, I assume it would be more difficult for me to be more physically free with my body. Everyone is so tense it is hard to know what to say most of the time, let alone to initiate or react properly to physical stimuli.

I feel like a robot trying to discuss this, but physical touch was just not something I have ever found to be comforting. I do not seek it out for solace. I find peace in people trying to understand me and actually listening to the things that I share. That is how I connect with other people.

I wish physical comfort and reassurance came naturally to me.