Adoption of older kids is hard

I feel there is a strange disconnection for most people when it comes to adoption. I am not sure if it is just our experience because we adopted older children, they were 10 and 11 at the time of the adoption going through. I can only speak for my experience, so I am going to say that your family and friends are going to have a much different reaction to your adoption than if you had been pregnant and given birth.

There were no baby showers, no offers of help or food and oddly a very strong belief that these children we just met were going to be well behaved little angels. The girls received small gifts from their grandparents and one aunt sent us fifty dollars and that was it. Not that I was really expecting anything, but a congratulatory card would have been nice.

We had signed up for what was going to be the biggest ride of our life. Chaos on a daily basis since the girls moved in and everyone kind of dismissed the milestone of the adoption being finalized. Maybe it was because the girls lived with us before the adoption went through, but it would have been very premature to celebrate then. I sent out announcements with our first family portrait and the girls’ new names.

Maybe they thought kids come with accessories or something because they really do not. Our kids came with clothes out of season and probably two sizes too small. They had a couple books and that was it. They had no toys or hygiene products. They needed haircuts and doctor visits. Nobody had taught them to bathe themselves, take care of their teeth, brush their hair or even to properly use a toilet, if they used one at all.

We struggled. We lost touch with family and friends because we were drowning in our new children’s needs. Every day was a new discovery of a new problem that needed to be addressed. That was on top of parenting children that had just gone through another change and all the emotional upheaval that followed. The tantrums, the rage, the animosity between the siblings and the fact that they struggled to eat and sleep. We were drowning in chaos.

My partner and I managed to pull through, but even now I look at what was supposed to be our family and friends and wonder what they thought was happening in our home. We lost a lot of friends and I have heard that is pretty standard for new parents. Our family was just shockingly disappointing. Some members have apologized in the intervening years for just checking out on us during this time period, but it really hurts to this day.

In the end, I think we just needed to be recognized for making it through all that we did. My therapist has never heard of anyone going through all the hurdles we had to go through, especially alone as we were. It took a really long time to find any professionals who even knew how to handle our kids let alone be helpful in any capacity.

Things were never perfect. In fact, there are a lot of things I wish I could try again. Time is always moving forward and we had to keep up. It is not an excuse. It is just a matter of fact. I wish I could go back with what I know now and parent my kids all over again. I am not sure it would really make a difference to them, but I always want to be better for them. I did the best I could do and made it through to the other side. I never gave up on them or myself.