You either face your demons or they raise your children

I have looked for the origin of this quote and I have yet to find it. This is a very true summary of what it is like to raise adopted children. If you had trauma in your childhood, your children will trigger that trauma. It is inevitable. However, how much you are triggered and how far you will be deregulated will depend on how much you have worked through your own baggage.

Have you ever had that strange sensation of realizing you are saying something that your parents said to you when you are a child. Now imagine your parents saying something abusive, neglectful or otherwise hurtful to you as a child. You will most likely find yourself thinking or saying these things to your children. It is just a matter of time. There will be a moment when you put down their dream job, you criticize the way they dress or you get mad that they spilled something on your work laptop. Sometimes it will be very casual and sometimes it will be very intense. It all depends on the situation. It could be very simple like you will not let your kid choose their haircut until a certain age because your parents never let you choose at all. This example can bring up different feelings for a lot of people. Some will have the same experience. Others may have been forced to have a boyish haircut instead of having long hair like all their friends. Others may be horrified that it is even a thing that exists.

The previous paragraph went over how you portray the trauma you experienced as you parent. Now imagine this adopted kid is now in your house and they are bringing their own trauma. Someone told them they would never amount to anything, they were forced to wear too small clothes, or they were told they would die if they moved when receiving a vaccination. Children repeat the things they hear so even if you were never told these things, you might have felt them. Your overbearing mother was unhappy if you got an A-, food was withheld to keep you from getting overweight, or your father made you throw the ball until you did it correctly ten times in a row. Your adopted kid is going to think it is normal to say these things to other people. They put you down when your drawing is not as good as theirs when you draw together. It is just them reflecting what they have experienced in life. The big things are easy to see, but a lot of small ones will soon add up and start to infringe on some of your long buried childhood issues.

The best advice we ever received was to go to therapy before adopting. Then when you adopt you will have a therapist that knows you and you can work with as these issues come up for you. It is a great idea for a number of other reasons: dealing with possible aborted adoptions, solving parenting conflicts between spouses and generally giving you a place to vent when you have kids. All parents need to vent and they should not be venting where the kid can hear, especially for adopted kids. This is extremely damaging to the relationship you are trying to build with your new child. Even if it is a typical run of the mill children stuff, all your child hears is that they are too much for you.

So far I have gone over the little things. There will also be big things that nobody is aware of for you to be forewarned about. Both my children have eating disorders. I have an eating disorder. Living with them had a huge impact on my physical health. My children and I were raised in homes where food was very much something we were told we had too much of and that we should always be wary of becoming fat. None of this was in my kids’ info because nobody knew. My kids commented on everything I ate, how I ate and what I gave them to eat. I was not prepared for that and it has been one of the harder parts of this adoption for me personally. I have done everything in my power to help them overcome all the negative advice and instruction they received growing up before me.

Kids are also really good at picking up what hurts you. Remember what you would do when you would fight your parents as a teenager. You say that you wish you were never born, they are the worst parents in the world, and that they are just punishing you for their shortcomings. If they know a topic bothers you, you can bet your child will find a way to weaponize it and hurt you like they hurt. Even if you did not intentionally hurt them or you are just enforcing a boundary or limit, you may have find that the only power they feel they have is to insult you or tear you down in return.