Sincerity and Apologies

If you have ever gone through an abusive relationship, no matter the type, you will probably have fallen victim to “non-apologies”. A “non-apology” is where the apologist makes it seem like they are apologizing, but they are actually not. In order to properly apologize, one must recognize their own bad behavior and acknowledge how their behavior has been hurtful. A true apologist will then move forward with the intention of not repeating this hurtful action because they actually care about the person they are apologizing to.

An abuser acts like they are apologizing to the abused and because the abused wants to repair the relationship quickly and get back on their abuser’s good side, they will accept the “non-apology”. They may even believe this is a real apology.

In order to identify a “non-apology”, you need not look too hard. It typically sounds like, “I’m sorry that you felt hurt when I did this.” A real apology would be, “I’m sorry that I hurt you when I did this.” Notice the subtle difference in phrasing, but also the complete lack of acknowledgement of the abuser’s wrongdoing. The abuser will “non-apologize” by making the abused sound over dramatic and will often make the abuse sound insignificant.

When our children came to us, and to this day, they will “non-apologize” for anything. They could purposely pour out a glass of milk onto the floor and say, “I’m sorry that you are mad that I accidentally spilled the milk.” We were in quite the pickle. How do you explain what an apology is for and how it should be for children who have never experienced this phenomenon that most of us take for granted?

The lifetime of abuse our children suffered before they were in our care has been a great thing to overcome in just about every realm of development. The best thing we could do was to actually show them what a real apology is. “I am sorry that I was late to pick you from dance class. I did not mean for it to happen, but it did happen and I will try harder in the future to not let it happen again. If it does happen, just stay in the dance studio until I come and get you.”

We have always been very careful to apologize in a way that they can see. We use a lot of “I” statements. We make sure to acknowledge our wrongdoing. We promise to try harder going forward. We also make plans in case it may happen again, if needed.

Through our words and actions, we have tried to show them what it truly means to be sincere and what an apologist has to do to right the wrong they have committed. It has not been a very successful venture. Our oldest never learned that her way of apologizing was just repeating the abuse she had already suffered. Our youngest understands what a real apology is and she knows what to expect from people she has not experienced trauma from, however, she still struggles with wanting an apology from those that have caused her pain in the past. Yes, she deserves a real apology, but she will most likely never receive a true one as she has probably never gotten one in her entire life from them thus far.

Another thing that I do not do with my children is to force them to apologize. When they first moved in, they very reflexively gave “non-apologies” as a way to get us to stop talking about the issue. We tried a different tact. We would spend time talking about what happened and what should have happened. “I slapped my sister when she would not stop talking. I should have asked her to stop talking.” They really struggled with taking responsibility for their actions, our oldest still does. It was much easier to talk about it in terms of facts than to try and get them to actually mean the words in a true apology. We needed to stop the “non-apologies” as being the default response.

This worked really well for our youngest. Even now it is much easier for her to talk about the events that happened and what should have happened over having to use the “I” statements. I think it is because using those statements makes her feel shamed and I do not want to shame her. I want her to be able to express remorse and learn how to repair relationships.

I have hoped that through these approaches that she has been able to learn what sincerity is. I try to be as open and honest as I can with my children. I want to be able to model for them all the values that I hold. Together we have struggled with saying things in the heat of the moment that we do not mean and it has taught our whole family that things are different when emotions are charged. I apologize for what I do or say and I really make an effort to make changes the next time things get heated. I would like to think that they have seen the changes I have made over time. I have definitely matured after having my daughters. My coping skills have definitely improved and I am much more likely to successfully deal with my feelings going forward. My youngest has also made strides in that direction. She is far from perfect, but she is young. The changes are significant from where she started. I am very proud of the young woman she has become and I think the future will be very bright for her.

She asks me quite often if she has grown, matured or calmed down. I am able to sincerely tell her that she still has a ways to go, but she is on the right track. She is not that broken, lost, little girl I met eight years ago. I get to tell her that she has done so much work on herself that I think she will be very happy in the future. If only everyone was so willing to put in the work.