honestly, it is a problem

One of the most common issues for any parent is honesty. This can encompass all kinds of problems for parents. You wonder how honest you should be with your children. You wonder how honest other people are being with your children. The biggest issue always seems to be is wondering how honest your child is to you.

Adopted children tend to be dishonest a lot. They cannot help it. The world has taught them that the truth should be avoided at all costs. They lie to protect themselves. You could potentially act perfectly each and every time your child tells you anything and they will still be afraid of you acting like adults from their past.

They will also lie to keep other people in their lives from looking down on them. My kids tend to be super honest about their history. Sometimes they see they have made people uncomfortable, but most of the time they tend to be ostracized from their friend groups before they even know what they did wrong. This just reinforces the need to lie about everything.

My kids are also not neurotypical which leads to them not being as reliable as other children their age. They tend to forget commitments or plans. They also have a lot of difficulty regulating themselves. A lot of what makes them unique leads to being embarrassed or uncomfortable with taking accountability for themselves. Then they lie about the real cause of their shortcomings.

As the little lies add up, they grow into large lies that become even harder to maintain. My youngest typically blames others and eventually the others will reach their breaking point with being her scapegoat. I am typically the most common one. No matter how much she may lie and blame me for things that I do not know even exist, she also gets angry about anyone accusing me of being a parent. She walks a tightrope between her conflicting needs.

I am in no way saying that anything and everything a child says should be treated with suspicion, but anyone who works with kids has to know that kids will lie and the best thing to do in that situation is some investigation. Any reports of abuse or neglect should be reported to the proper authorities, so they may be investigated properly. As much as I have hated being investigated, I am glad that all the officials do their job and they do it thoroughly.

However, it is really rough to be investigated. You are asked questions about horrible things and there is always this assumption of guilt until you prove your innocence. It is also really easy to figure out from the investigation just who reported you. It is a very isolating experience because of the embarrassment of the situation. You feel like you can no longer be around these people because of what they may think of you. It hurts a lot to have both people you know and strangers think that you are a monster.

Everyone lies at one point or another. Some lies do more damage than others. Adoptive kids just tend to lie more frequently about both insignificant things and excruciatingly painful things.

If you want to be an adoptive parent, you need to be resilient enough to take the fallout from these lies and continue parenting your child as if it did not happen. It is extremely difficult. You will need to make time for yourself to release your feelings when your child is not around. You have to continue to hold your head high in public as you continue on your path of being a parent. You will have to interact with those that have heard all the gossip and pretend that you are unbothered. Nothing you say will change their mind. Your child still needs their parent to do all the things a parent should do. You have to show up for your child, no matter how much it hurts.