It is important to remember that everyone in a family will have different reactions and experiences of an event. I tend to take on the role of the emotionally stronger family member, who tries to keep everything together and functioning. My partner steps in when I falter and tries to give me time to regroup.
This time was definitely a test for me to try and keep my feelings in check. I was doing a lot of self talk trying to convince myself that everything would work out. I wanted to fall apart completely and just be shattered and to a lot of people I probably seemed like I was. However, nobody was as distraught as my partner.
He was inconsolable for a very long time. I would say that the biggest bond that she had in the world was her father. They spent hours together each week just talking about science stuff and playing board games. He tried to help her find interests and took her out with his friends and family work functions.
She broke something very deep in my husband. I think as a reaction to such an abrupt end to their relationship made him very wary of our younger daughter. At a time where she needed an incredible amount of attachment and validation, he was not able to do so. I also struggled with these feelings and I had a really difficult time trying to not let that fear of potential loss complicate my relationship with my remaining daughter.
My partner tried several times to communicate with our oldest after she left. He also tried to message the family she was staying with. Her coach also got in touch with us after she left the gym for good. He desperately wanted to keep her safe and make sure she was healthy. My husband was constantly disappointed by any response he got and heartbroken when he received no response.
Even today, he has not completely recovered from his loss or from the feeling of failure. He prefers to not talk about her if he can help it. He misses that connection in his life.
He is so angry at everyone that allowed her to do this when they have never even met us. They only contacted us after everything completely fell apart for her. They never encouraged her to come back. In fact, some of them echoed her lies and when the truth came out they apologized for believing them by saying, “She was just so convincing”.
I wish I had that connection with her when she was here. Her history of abusive mother figures made it very difficult for her to even be civil with me most days. I was always straight forward with her. I know I helped her through several crises and I always hoped that by being authentic and real with her that we would someday have a deeper bond. I am happy she had that connection with her dad. I am just sorry that she did not see the value in keeping it. Not just for my partner, but for her too. It was her longest, positive relationship in her life.
Mother of Trauma 
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