birth mom call

Today in preparation for the visit to our girls’ birth mom, we had over a two hour long phone conversation with the birth mom. There were a lot of feelings on both ends of the call. It was awkward, sad, but overall not surprising. She is very consistent in her beliefs, thoughts and generally exactly as she portrayed herself via email.

We discussed the ground rules for the visit. No phones or contact info exchanged. We want the girls to be able to process the new information without creating more drama for this woman or her family. They will need time and space to do so and being so closely connected so soon will lead to a lot of bad decisions. No bringing other family members with her to the meet up. Support people are fine, but no other children. No gifts as gifts are just a big confusing mess for the girls. She agreed to all our rules and understands why we have them.

She was raised by the same people who abused our children. You can tell in the way she talks. Her trauma history is very apparent. This is the thing we are trying to help the girls through, so they do not have to actively feel it in their everyday life. She told us more horrendous stories from her childhood and her fears of what she left the girls to deal with.

We explained that the girls have the choice to decline to meet at any time. I will still meet with her regardless. I am going to bring some photos for her to keep and some albums of our family memories. If nothing else, I can share what their lives have been like with us.

She asked us a few questions wanting to know if the girls ever talk about her, if they remember her or what they ask about her. We told her that when they moved in with us, they had been told she was dead. They had visited a graveyard and were presented with a tombstone. She was shocked just as we were when we found out she was alive and well. A story for another time. I told her our youngest puts her birthday on her calendar each year and always talks about her on that day. I told her we gave them the pictures she shared with us. We also had to regretfully inform her that they had been too young to remember anything about her.

We took a moment to go over the biggest question the girls have: why did you leave us? I informed her that the girls are under the assumption that they were not good enough or that they believe they are defective in some way. She understands that they need to hear from her that it was never their fault. That she loves them very much and it was not their fault that she had to leave them.

It was a very difficult conversation for us. Especially when she said she would take them back in a heartbeat and that she wanted them back so badly. She said she respects that we are the parents and knows none of us are to blame for what happened to their little family. She is hurting so badly. I do feel so terrible for what has happened to all three of them.

As I tell my girls, “If I could change the past so you would not be hurt in the first place, I would.”