another adoption?

This is something I have struggled with ever since we adopted the girls. I love them. I really love my girls. However, we were originally thinking of adopting kids that were just entering school, ages 4-5. Our girls were 10 and 11, respectively when they entered our care. They came with a lot of trauma baggage. There were also people who kept trying to upset the adoption, even though they did not care where the girls went as long as they were not with us.

Everything we were told about the girls turned out to be false. As soon as the adoption went through, I immediately started requesting records from any and all institutions that our girls may have entered. We sent so many record requests and scoured the records to discover more places to search. Not a single thing we were told was true beyond their legal name and birth dates. It was absolute lunacy.

The girls have made so much progress when you look at where we started with them. Our therapist actually referred to them as “feral”. They had no idea what it meant to live with a family and they still struggle with basic friendships.

My struggle is that I did not get the parenting experience or journey that I had been hoping for. I feel like I really have just been more of a janitor than a parent. I am constantly cleaning up the messes left from the six sets of parents before me. I spend all my time trying to undo behaviors or beliefs that were taught or conditioned, rather than actually getting to nurture them organically.

I have never wanted to have my own children. This turned out to be fortuitous because only after I found my partner did I ever even consider the idea, and was told that pregnancy was not for me. My partner was totally on board with adoption and has been with me every day of this journey.

The last six years have been the hardest years of my life, and that really is saying something. We love them and we agree that if we were given the chance to make the choice again, we would do it all over again. We are completely committed to loving these girls and helping them for the rest of our lives.

Yet I wonder if we should adopt again. Maybe have that parenting experience I had hoped for? Then I wonder if it might turn out to be as disastrous as the first one. I keep flip-flopping on my thoughts about it. I think maybe it would be nice just to be the two of us in a couple years and be satisfied that our girls have reached adulthood. Maybe if we adopt again, it will be as crazy as the first time. Maybe bonding will be easier without having after high school coming so soon? Maybe we should just be free and travel?

People tell me to worry about it once I get the girls through high school. It is hard for me. I am a planner.

There is also just this sadness inside of me from not being able to enjoy small things like I thought I was going to be able to do. I cannot even bake cookies with my girls because it triggers memories from their previous homes and they become so dis-regulated that the whole event is ruined before it really begins. Then there is that constant sadness of having missed out on their first decade of life. We missed out on all the cute phases and all the firsts that people ask about.

Between anxiety about an unknown future and the sadness of missed opportunities and occasions, I am all over the place as I ponder what is in store for my family.