a warning

When we went to adoption training and learned about raising adopted children, we learned a lot of things. Even after hearing testimonials by adoptive parents, some of these things do not become clear even in the first few years after the adoption. Today I was considering our two family therapy sessions this week and I happened upon a random info-graphic on the internet. It was an unknown quote of someone talking about how kids cannot know that they are missing out on love from their parents. Children have no comparison in which to realize that affection, love and care is missing from their lives until they are older. They do know to ask for it, but they do not understand what a healthy relationship feels like.

This really hit home with me. My parents were not cuddly, touchy-feely people. I have always been proud of not being, what I was taught to avoid- an emotional basket case. Through my studies and just my relationships outside of my immediate family, I have learned that being in touch with your emotions does not equate to instability. In fact, the more in touch you are with your feelings, the more stable you become.

I was told that when parenting adopted children: I will inevitably be pitted against my own hang ups, trauma or deficiencies that I received in childhood. The experts recommend that you go to therapy before adopting, so you can prepare. I thought I had put most of my family issues behind me after going to therapy during college.

When raising my kids, I see all my failings. Not just as a parent, but as a human being. Being a parent has really pushed me to live my truths; to be the person I want to be. I know I am not perfect, but I strive to show my children that I am not a hypocrite. That I truly believe in the ideals that I am trying to pass along to them.

I have a new behavior I need to add. My love needs to be voiced. It needs to be heard above all the voices in their heads telling them that they are worthless. I must make sure that my love does not require anything on their part. I spend so much of my day making sure all the physical needs are met and that they are being supported in all their activities and settings. I need to make room to flat out tell them I love them. Not just when things are going well. I need to tell them I am proud of them. Not just when they have succeeded.

I did not grow up with these admonishments from my parents, but that does not mean that they should not as well.

I can be better.