taboo topic: masturbation

This is probably a topic that most people feel super awkward about talking with their kids: masturbation. If you adopt older children and by older, I mean kids that are of any school age, then you will probably be confronted by this topic much earlier than you think. Whether or not your child has experienced sexual abuse anywhere on the spectrum of sexual abuse (on one end is rape/sodomy and the other end is exposure to pornography), they will probably be familiar with the act of masturbation.

It is a possible coping mechanism that kids develop because it feels good. I have heard of kids who have lots of toilet issues that have quite the affinity for the “act of self love”. It is easily discovered when having to hold your excrement for a long period of time before you have access to a bathroom. Once discovered, genitals become a very accessible way to enjoy oneself.

When my kids moved in, they masturbated a lot. More often than any rude joke about teenage boys would lead you to think it is normal behavior. It was just a lot. We had to set up ground rules about where to do it. They thought they could only do it in the bathroom and would lock themselves up for hours each day.

After they moved in, we established privacy and boundaries. We always knock and wait for an answer before going into their rooms. Also, we set up a rule that we could go in if there was no answer to make sure everything was okay. Expectations were created and we have maintained them to this day.

We let them know that we knew they were masturbating. Then we had to establish privacy and boundaries. We put limits on only doing it in their respective bedrooms to keep the bathroom free for everyone to use. We talked about cleanliness and how to keep from spreading around any of the mess from their self enjoyment. At the time, they were only using their hands so we made sure to tell them not to utilize foreign objects for this activity as it could be dangerous and lead to embarrassing situations.

Some people are going to say that since we were so open about it, that it probably increased the usage of masturbation. It actually had the opposite effect. Time spent masturbating has steadily declined each year that they have lived with us. It is always easy to tell that is what your kid is up to if you are not trying to blind yourself to the idea.

I was reading a Buzzfeed list article and there were mentions about childhood masturbation and how it is a very taboo subject. That you know your kid is going to do it, but society pressures you to pretend that they will not. That trying to aid them in this endeavor could be seen as promoting illicit sexual acts in children. If you wanted to buy them assistance like lube or a dildo, that you could be criminally charged. This is a topic I have often pondered myself because we know they have used foreign objects the last couple years, but due to the scrutiny we face because of their mental health issues, we feel that trying to assist them in being safe will come back on us as being sexually abusive to our children.

I have decided that once they turn 18, I will be getting them some “tools” to assist in enjoying their “activity” as safely as possible. They may not know these things exist and if they do then they definitely do not know what to get or how to get it. I wish I could comfortably do this for them sooner, but I am going to be cautious. I would much rather they were masturbating than having to rely on outside help to satisfy their needs.

Their safety is always the most important thing to me. No matter how squeamish the topic makes me. We have been open about talking about sex. We have read age appropriate books about how sex works and how the bodies function. The books also tell you how everything works and why they work. If you are struggling about the timing on these conversations with your kids, then check out Robie Harris. She has authored several children’s books for children at various stages of development. My kids loved them all! It really was not that awkward to get through and it was extremely informative.

I highly recommend that all kids learn about their bodies. Knowledge is power and that knowledge will keep them safe in the future. Kids are never too young to become victims of sexual abuse. They are also never too young to discover masturbation or be told about sex from someone else. If you approach the subject with them before it becomes an issue, your child will be much more likely to come to you when there is a problem.