accountability

an obligation or willingness to accept responsibility or to account for one’s actions

Accountability has become a very popular word around our house in recent years. As my children have stopped house hopping for the last six years, they have come face to face with consequences for their actions. Treating people poorly, stealing, lying and embarrassing crush have all come home to roost in their interactions with their peers. It is also something we have really struggled with at home.

Clearly my children did not get much practice in the years before us. However, they also did not get to see any great examples of it in their own lives. So many adults in their lives abused or neglected them, and not just their caregivers. The mandatory reporters in their lives also failed to stand up for them. None of them have been held to account either. It is really hard to teach kids something that they have never seen in practice.

We have tried through various means. I think the most successful approach we have been able to utilize is creating paths to things they want. They want to wear make up, then they need to actually wash regularly. We create pathways where their improvements are noticed and they are given more freedom. We also have punishment pathways, like losing cell phone privileges when using the phone to speak inappropriately to peers. There is a pathway to earning that trust back before regaining access to the device.

A lot of this kind of work takes patience and a strong backbone. These kids are going to make you seem like horrible people. Hold on and stay the course because when they explain the situation to outsiders, people agree with us. Their friends think we are being really lenient and they question our kids as to why they just will not meet the requirements. This is a question I have asked myself every day.

When they do something that hurts someone else, we will discuss the situation. We have them put into their own words what they did wrong and have them acknowledge how it can be hurtful. I never force my kids to apologize, but I do expect them to make an acknowledgment to the aggrieved party. At home, we work on how to handle situations differently in the future, so we do not hurt others intentionally or accidently.

Now the flip side is for you to acknowledge when your kids are doing well. My kids are absolute gluttons for praise and rewards. So much so that they tend to feel like we are ignoring their achievements. That is the trauma talking, however. Most kids should have a healthy attachment and feel secure in their familial relationships. My children have been deprived of kind words and stability.

I think the thing our kids struggle with the most is being accountable for accidents. They cannot see the logic in seeing that they are responsible for something they caused, but did not intend to do. An example would be, knocking someone’s cupcake on the floor and now that person does not have a cupcake to eat. That person is now mad at them. They get upset at that person for being mad because it was an accident. What is funny is to run the scenario with them as the victim and then they think the person who had the accident should be punished!

Teaching accountability is a long journey. Some days you will choose to let things go in order to just get through the day. It happens to everyone. Just remember to get back on track with teaching accountability as soon as you can. It really changes family dynamics for the better.