internalize or externalize

Recently I have been thinking about the ways we handle problems or stress in our lives. My children are a great example of internalizing or externalizing their issues.

My oldest externalizes. Anything that goes wrong in her life is not her fault. It could be as big of a problem as not controlling her own actions. She will tell you that it is the fault of the people who raised her for not teaching her. It could be something as small as spilling milk. If I had not bought the milk, then she could not have spilled it. Anything bad that happens to her cannot be affected by her actions. If she does not do her school work and gets bad grades, then it is because the teacher hates her. She has been working on this in therapy for the last year and the habit is getting better, but the initial response is always “not my fault”. Actions and consequences are a difficult concept for her to agree with. She is starting to get it, but needs a very thorough explanation and our family therapist agreement.

My youngest internalizes. If anything bad happens to her or anyone around her, then it is her fault because she is deficient. Her friends are hanging out with other people, then they hate her because she is “stupid”, “adopted”, or “weird”. She does not do her school work and gets bad grades, then the teacher does not like her because she is unlovable. Mom is in a bad mood because she just got bad news on the phone, then Mom does not love her and will get rid of her. Even if I explain why I am irritable and need a few minutes to calm down, she still freaks out that she did something to upset me.

My youngest also likes to punish herself for being deficient. All these feelings of inadequacy lead her to hurt herself through various means. She especially likes to bleed. She does not cut in the traditional sense, she prefers to rip her skin open with her nails. She will even pick at her freckles or any other imperfections on her skin until she has removed them.

I also internalize. I push myself so hard to follow all the parenting guides and listen to all the specialists that we utilize. It has led to depression, anxiety and guilt about not being a good enough parent, partner or friend. I also have other issues that have cropped up since becoming a parent. I am now dealing with migraines, diabetes, tmj, wearing down of teeth, broken teeth, and now high blood pressure. I did not have any of these problems before the girls moved in.

I have been trying so hard to hold it together and to be the parent that they need me to be. It is so exhausting and I struggle. I screw up. I am far from perfect, but trying to do the right things when they need me is really taking a toll on me. Constantly plagued by regrets, disappointments in myself, frustrations with the systems, and exasperation at how easily things can fall apart.

This is why self care is so critical for parents. It is also why it is so difficult for parents of children with special needs to get the time and assistance needed in order to actually do self care. Every therapist we have ever worked with has tried to sign us up for respite care. There is just no respite care available. Respite care providers do get paid, so if you want to help kids in need, but do not want to adopt or foster then consider becoming a respite care provider. These kids have families who just need a break on a semi-regular basis in order to keep up self care and their ability to care for their children. It can be just a day thing or an overnight thing depending on the agency and/or your preferences.