punishment!

In our house, the rules have been explained and the punishments are clear. However, our kids have this overwhelming sense of justice. It has been extremely pervasive. There is also some kind of disconnect regarding justice depending if they are the victim or the perpetrator.

Yesterday, my oldest tattled on my youngest. The youngest got in trouble and had to go clean up a mess she made. The oldest watched as the youngest and my partner argued over the mess. The youngest said a rude comment to my oldest on her way out to clean. The oldest was livid and wanted the youngest to be punished.

We do not punish over words in our house. The girls throw around way too many names, curses and the like to bother with. They will be reminded to use polite language or that what they said was inappropriate but nobody is being forced to apologize or endure a punishment for words said while emotional.

Side note: I do not believe in forcing apologies. I just do not see the point. Everyone knows it is forced and that the person does not mean it. I have also been trying to teach them that the best apology is a change in behavior, not pretty words alone.

I told the oldest that I would not be punishing her sister and so she called me a few nasty names. Later after she cooled off, we talked about this and I reminded her that neither her or her sister have been punished for calling each other names. She demanded punishment. I said if I punish her sister then I would need to punish her also since she called me names. She faltered and said it was not the same! She used very similar language to her sister and yet did not see that if one gets punished then the other should as well.

We eventually had a productive conversation about the house rules and the responses to breaking those rules. We have been very consistent during the last six years. She tried to make it about her sister hating her and not wanting to be sisters any more. It really turned into a big dramatic circus in her head. Later that night I checked in with her again and she said that what we talked about earlier made sense and that she had just lost her temper. I reminded her that she is learning to control her temper just like her sister.