losing one’s pet

For some people, losing a pet is not a difficult thing. That is something I just cannot understand. Maybe because I have never lost very many pets. I had a dog growing up and she had to be put down while I was in college and it gutted me. I was unable to be there because it happened so fast. She had jumped off the porch and broken her leg. The vet found that she had no knee and she had a type of bone cancer. We did not have the funds to get cancer treatment and quality of life was in question at that stage. When I visit my parents to this day, I still have a moment where I expect to see my puppy.

Last fall, I lost my cat. I had her from 8 weeks old until over 13 years of age. She was a beautiful calico with tabby and tortoiseshell patterning. I went through a lot of trauma with her. Surgery, work injury, abuse at work, moving, adoption rejections, fostering, and finally all the trauma that came with adoption. She was always there for me and knew when I needed comfort.

It has been so hard to be home and not have her be here. I keep finding myself wanting to call for her or expecting her to jump up into my lap. Nearly every memory of my life is all tied up with the memories of her. She loved having her picture taken and would come running if she heard the camera turn on. She liked to play fetch when she was younger. She always knew what time dinner should be. She liked to sleep next to me. She was the one I came home to at the end of the day.

We had to put her to sleep after about a two week struggle with breathing. The tests kept coming up negative and the scans showed nothing at all. Yet she kept deteriorating. Then she stopped eating. She loved food. Even hunger stimulants could not bring back her appetite. So we let her go. We did not want her to struggle in pain any longer.

Five months later and I still cannot stop the ache in my heart. Everything in the home is a constant reminder of her. We have her paw print, a lock of fur, her ashes, and tons of photos. Grief is such a strange experience. You never know when the feelings will hit or for how long they will stay. I wonder if there is anything else we could have done for her because there was absolutely nothing I would not do for her.

There are a lot of people who say to get a new pet to help get over the loss. I do not understand how that would actually work. We have eventually gotten some new pet members to our family, but it has done nothing to touch the void in my life. Nothing can replace her. I do care for and enjoy our other critter family members, but they have their own places in my heart. I only wonder how she would respond to the new additions.

Time will heal the wound. Eventually it will not be a festering wound, but a fading scar. I will be able to look back at the good times and be happy. I do not know when that time will come, but it will. I miss her so much.