justice

I brought up police involvement in an earlier post this week. This was because we had another incident. My youngest has been harassed by a classmate for about five years now. They were under a no contact order in their school, but my daughter thought it was a legally enforceable restraining order. He had followed her home the previous week and I reported it to the school. The kids thought the no contact order had already expired, but it still had a whole week left to go.

Then after the official expiration, he followed her home again. Even though the expiration date had been extended due to his breaking the order. He had already been told this and had asked to speak with her parents- us. The vice principal told him that was a terrible idea and if he had anything to share with us that he could tell it to the school and they would send the message along. He followed her home and she left to go to her dance class. He stayed behind to talk to me. He tried to tell me that they had been dating for years. This is not true. She has dated one girl for about a year and then had just broken up with her boyfriend of a couple months. He also tried to tell me my very prudish, innocent daughter had asked him to do very dirty things with her. And that he got supplies to do those things. If it were not for my girls, it would have been the most bizarre conversation of my life. Who thinks telling someone’s parents that they want to have sex is going to put me on their side? Regardless of the truth, who thinks that is going to go well?

This all began in fifth grade when she “dated” him. You know where they call each other boyfriend/girlfriend but do not actually go on dates or see each other outside of school. He is a heavy kid and she felt bad for him and how he was made fun of all the time. She could not tell him no. I had never even spoken to this kid until he was on my doorstep telling me my child had asked for equipment to perform sex acts. It was just unbelievable. This is my kid who cried when we went to the store and tried on clothes in the fitting room. Last month, she had randomly said that she has had “lots of oral sex”. I asked her what oral sex was and she told me kissing, so I corrected her information and she was so embarrassed and grossed out. She blushed profusely. I could have sworn that I had explained this to her before, but she may have blocked it out. My youngest is quite the prude.

After talking to me and leaving, he messaged my daughter and cussed her out. She then told him to meet her at the dance studio. When he agreed, she told the dance studio that someone she had a restraining order against was coming to see her. The dance studio called the police. He left before the police could arrive.

All the while, I was messaging the vice principal and leaving voicemails about each development. Then I spoke with the officer who arrived. My husband picked up my daughter after class and I was on the phone with the vice principal who was incredibly confused about why this boy did these things she explicitly told him not to do. We scheduled a meeting for the next morning with the school resource officer.

Later that night, I went through my daughter’s school account (her emails and google drive) and her phone (messages with all her friends). I needed to gather information on what was being said to who. This is how I discovered that she set him up at the dance studio. These facts are easy enough to be found by anyone else involved in this situation, so I like to be prepared. I do not want to be caught off guard when trying to keep my children safe.

I asked her about it in the morning before school and our meeting. She admitted that she did it, so he could finally be punished. We talked for a bit more about how it is normal for these kinds of things to happen in these kinds of situations. I also told her it will hurt her credibility and that she should confess to it and not do it again. She told me as she walked out the door that she told the responding officer at the studio that this boy had assaulted her last fall. Then she was gone.

We then had our meeting. She had not told anyone at school about the things he had said and done to her. During the meeting, I made sure the things I knew about got on the school record and the police record through the school resource officer. He had been trying to pressure her into sex and she was getting so tired of it that she thought she should just do it so he leaves her alone. She did not understand that if she did that, it would only encourage more from him.

She has had multiple meltdowns since then. It definitely explains some of why she was completely off the rails last fall. She created so much drama with her friends and the self harm was so out of control that I was busy trying to put out all these fires for her that she never even mentioned anything about an assault. I did wonder. I think I even asked her, but she could not talk about it. Her meltdowns for months have been about the school not helping her and that we are not helping her. She never told us this happened, so how could we? She wants him punished for what he did to her, but nobody knew anything happened.

It has been a very rough week for us and her. I wonder if I should have pressed her harder for answers. I hate myself for not knowing this thing happened. I wish she could have told somebody- anybody- that it happened. If she had told her therapist, then she would have had to report it. I need to send a message to her therapist and share these events. The vice principal is checking the cameras to see if they have any collaborative evidence. I hope there is something. In the meantime, the school is keeping them separated and severing all communication possibilities.

I have a feeling she will not receive any justice. There was never any justice in any of the charges of abuse and neglect in her previous homes. They pretty much call it a day after taking them from the home in question. None of them were even charged, no matter the evidence available. It always hurts to think about just how vulnerable these kids are. They are passed around without receiving their day in court. Lots of people tell them that what happened to them was wrong, but nobody gets in trouble. For children, it does not make sense. Kids get punished all the time for doing bad things, but nobody gets punished for hurting them. That is why they try to get justice for themselves.