police involvement

One of the things they do not prepare you for when you foster or adopt older children, is that you will have to talk to the police. It is just inevitable for a variety of reasons. Before fostering or adopting, I only had interactions through speeding tickets when I was younger. Now I have had so many different types of interactions.

The most common interactions I have had are handling outcry reports from my kids about their previous living situations. When fostering, you are a mandatory reporter, so you have to report what you are told in regards to abuse or neglect allegations. Also, these kids should be in therapy and their therapist is also a mandatory reporter. They usually give you a heads up as long as it is not about you.

Less common are interactions about reporting current crimes against your children. Previous caregivers to my children have done everything from written harassment to attempted kidnapping. Those interactions are extremely unpleasant. I was always forced to prove that I was the guardian and not them. Basically I would have to disprove all the lies told by these other people. Then the police would just kind of shrug and be like “we will tell them to leave you alone”. That was the response to attempted kidnapping. I was astounded. I even went to the courts to try to get any order of protection for my children who were upset and afraid. They did not sleep well for months afterwards. The judge said she could not put an order in place unless there were two attempts or one successful kidnapping. The other harassment did not matter. Those interactions were awful, but not the worst ones we had to deal with.

With kids who have only known abuse and have never really had parents, there is a lot of confusion in their heads. Simple parenting seems abusive because it is different and makes them feel weird. Telling them they cannot have dessert until they eat all their food groups becomes some horrible thing. They also experience a lot of flashbacks to their lives before when they are triggered by completely mundane occurrences. Like if I yell at them to stop doing something or to go to their room, they will think about being yelled at and being called horrible names and meld the situations together. I have really been conditioned not to yell during the years of them living with me, but sometimes you need a break for a bit. Yelling is a last resort.

We have been through two CPS investigations. Both were closed as unfounded. The girls were never removed from our care. They talked to all our providers. After the second case, DHS actually offered to take custody of my oldest and institutionalize her out of state. I declined. I have read the horror stories of those situations and I knew that would not help her in the end. She is doing much better now, so I am glad I did not let them lock her up.

Each time being under investigation was the worst time of my life. To have people out there trying to prove that you hurt your kids is the absolutely most horrible experience. Spending all your time, your money, and your sanity trying to help your kids and get them the care they so desperately need and have these accusations looming over you is just so defeating. It also pauses all the things in motion. We ended up not being able to do some services because we had to wait for the results of the investigations. It was beyond frustrating.

Those were really dark days at our house. I was just numb for a few months while they were ongoing. It also really hurts your bond that you are building with your children. To think that someone I care about so much, can just turn around and put me through this nightmare is a very difficult thing to grapple with. Logically, I know why it happens: my children have PTSD. They have flashbacks to their lives before. The things they were reporting were never things that we had actually done. Our oldest also hallucinates bruises on her body. We did not even figure that out until two years after the last investigation.

I think some of the presenters of our adoption classes mentioned these things happen, but they did not go into the extent of what it does to your life. My kids still threaten to call services on me if they do not get what they want. I am talking about spending money on frivolous things like a new phone or clothes. They know I am afraid of that and it hurt me a lot to go through that. When they hurt, they want everyone to hurt. I have gotten really good at saying, “Go ahead and see what happens” as nonchalantly as possible.

Most of the time things are fine. My kids are good kids who want to do well. They just struggle with feelings and relationships. They will probably struggle all their lives. I will probably eventually get over the CPS investigations. I am an adult with the skills to manage myself. I will not forget what happened, but the pain will fad with time.