meet them where they are at

I think everyone goes into a mode when they are expecting a child and have all these ideas of what kind of parent you are going to be. You think about the things you disliked about your own childhood and what you envied about your friend’s families. You take classes and read books to prepare and be knowledgeable about the best practices.

And then suddenly you have kids.

You are constantly having to change your plans, your ideas and your dreams. Children will not fit the ideal you have in your head. They have their own strengths, weaknesses, plans, ideas and dreams.

We are pretty laid back parents. We would have to be in order to raise our kids. They are far from perfect. They have had to overcome a lot of setbacks. Countless adoption classes tell you to “meet them where they are at”. It is a very simple concept: parent the children you have. My girls do not have the skills that are typical of their physical age. Their skills are also not even across the board. Depending on the specific task, activity or skill level, the expectations we have for our kids are all over the place.

Their hygiene has always been abysmal. Most of the time, they will not use soap or shampoo when they shower. They just get wet, which is an improvement from just running the water and not getting in the shower. These were not problems that I thought I would have from teenage girls, but here we are. Because they refuse to take care of their bodies, they do not get to wear make up or dye their hair. They need to learn to take care of themselves before they have more complicated hygiene regimens.

They may lack in self care skills, but there are other areas where they are exceeding expectations. My youngest is an accomplished dancer. She works very hard and is very good at keeping time and adding artistry to her movement. She succeeds in this arena and she now takes several classes on different styles of dance. As she has succeeded and grown as a dancer, she has been able to expand her options and add more commitments to her schedule. She loves to dance and even competes.

Through everything we have been through, the best advice will always be, “meet them where they are at”. Not all kids are going to be equally skilled in all areas. Treating them like they are just adds pressure and then depression when they inevitably fail. My girls struggle in some areas and we work on those together. In other areas, they do not need my help and I am able to let them take the lead. My girls are not going to be ready for adulthood when they turn 18. We know it, they know it, and we are going to figure it out together.

They will not be going for the American dream of going off to a four year college after high school. And that’s okay. They both plan to attend college and earn degrees eventually. They are going to start as part time college kids at our local community college until they have the skills to manage themselves. One is going to continue to live at home. The other is going to enroll in a transitional program to get added help with reaching adulthood.

We are going to “meet them where they are at”. No matter what it looks like.