birth parents

Being an adoptive parent, I get asked a lot about birth parents, so I am going to tell you a bit about our personal experience. Our particular adoption story is not a traditional adoption story. My girls are second generation adopted meaning their birth mother was also adopted. We are also the second set of adoptive parents for my girls. They were adopted the first time around the time they first entered kindergarten. As I have said before, we adopted them in fourth and fifth grade, respectively. We are actually the seventh home the girls have had- that we know of. There was a lot of back and forth between the homes as well. They have experienced a lot of loss and disruption until they moved in with us.

Currently, my partner and I are in communication with their birth mom. She has gone on to have another family and has three children of her own with her partner. From what I can tell, she seems like a nice woman who clearly has been through a great deal of trauma and abuse. She wishes she could have kept the girls, but did what she thought was best for them and her at the time. Oddly, she did not think the girls would be at risk for abuse and neglect when left them with her abusers.

Birth dad is a different story. He left the girls and their birth mom before any custody issues arose. The information I have gathered about him shows that he is a bit unstable and possibly dangerous. He has had numerous children from numerous women. These women have had restraining orders in place and some have completely disappeared to get away from him. He has made many posts and threats online to anyone who upsets him. Needless to say, we have no communication with the birth father and, as far as we know, he knows nothing of our involvement in his children’s lives.

Now we have been taught that open adoption is best for the children. I fully believe in open adoption being in the best interest of my children and that they should be allowed to communicate with their family of origin. Our oldest has no desire to speak with her birth mother, while the youngest flip flops on her decision. She mainly only asks to meet her birth mom as a way to hurt me, but it does not have the desired effect and she drops the subject when she has calmed down. Teenagers, am I right? During family therapy sessions, she has told us that she wishes she was ready to meet her, but she is concerned it will make her feel worse in the end.

The girls are aware of their half siblings and have pictures and a family tree that we designed for them so they can keep track of how they are all related. Our oldest has removed these from her room and they are in her storage bins in the basement. Our youngest stores hers in her closet and brings it out on occasion.

The girls were either told their birth mother was dead or just created the narrative for themselves to explain their abandonment. They cannot agree on the origin of the tale. When they moved in with us, we had to be the ones to tell them about their birth mom and how she is doing. This was a very chaotic time.

Birth mom lives on the other side of the country, so it has not been very feasible for us or her to visit. Not to mention that the girls have not asked to do so. We just wait for the day this will finally happen and hope that they all can heal from such primal wounds.

Am I worried about that day? Yes. Honestly, being an adoptive parent is an awkward place to be sometimes. Having your teenager tell you that “You are not the real mom, so why should they listen to you?” is always a fun moment in any argument. My girls know I love them. I work so hard for them and to make sure they have everything they need to succeed. The thing an adoptive parent is afraid of is whether or not our kids will love us as much as the birth parents. I do not have any biological children and I probably never will, so my children never have to wonder if I love the imaginary children more than them.

I will always do what is best for my kids, even if it hurts me. I love my girls and I want them to be happy.