tough first lessons

One of the first things you learn about adoption is to never bad mouth previous caregivers or birth parents. Just do not do it. If you need really need to vent, get yourself a therapist if you do not already have one. The second thing you learn, is not to spread information around unless necessary for safety. No matter how much your child blabs about their history, you should never add on repeat to new audiences. It is your child’s story. And those were their loved ones in the story.

They will constantly compare you to every previous caregiver they have ever had. All the time. And it will come up every time they are mad. In my experience, my kids are not usually mad because of me, but because of something that happened before me. I am just the unwitting scapegoat for all their bad feelings. Even if you are doing everything you are supposed to do and others consider you the most amazing mother ever- you are still going to be blamed for any possible reason they can come up with.

We took our youngest for her first doctor appointment after she moved in. It was a good appointment and she was in good health overall. She did have some eczema and they told us what lotions and soaps to get her at the store. After dropping her off at school, we went and picked up the items at the store. They were sitting on the kitchen counter when she came home. She stared at them for a long time and then walked into the living room. She asked if the items were for her and we said, “Yes, the doctor said you should use those, so we picked some up while you were at school.” She started sobbing, sunk to the floor and started smacking her head against the wooden part of the couch. I quickly fell off the couch and crawled over and grabbed her away from the couch and into my arms. She sobbed for a very long time. While I held her she just kept repeating that nobody had ever done what a doctor has recommended for her.

Adopting a child will break your heart over and over again. These small moments for other families are huge stepping stones for yours. These moments let your know that you are making a difference. You are showing a child what it means to love and be loved. The child is learning what it means to be part of a family. The child is learning how they should have been cared for. You will realize how much your child has missed out on and you will do whatever you can so they do not have to go without again.

It will hurt so much when they tell you they would have been better off with their previous homes where they were abused or neglected. You will feel like a failure. You may even start to agree with them. When they say that they miss them. You will hold your breath as they wonder aloud what it would have been like to have been born into a family that kept them and raised them. “What if” moments plague adopted children for a long time. Some will wonder forever and some will try to put the thoughts away, but the world will keep asking them.

It is unbelievable to me just how many people ask that of an adopted person. “Why did your birth parents not keep you?” “Do you ever think about what it would be like to still be with your birth parents?” “What is wrong with you that your parents dumped you?” My kids have heard all these questions and more. They are just children trying to navigate these questions on their own and sometimes complete strangers ask them. Maybe we are on our way to or from an adoption celebration event and passersby just blurt them out. People are just so cruel. Even asking an adult such a personal and traumatic question is heartless, but to a child who is already asking themselves these questions all the time. It hurts. The pain is so raw. It is called, “the first trauma”: to be removed from one’s family of origin.

Your children’s memories are usually all they have left of their previous lives. You want them to be able to be free to talk about these memories for their own mental health and identity. To tell them that these people they have confused feelings about are bad people is not your job as their parent. It is a lifelong journey of understanding their past that they need to walk alone. You can help and try and get answers, but stick with the facts. I have gathered up medical records, court records and photos from schools. Anything that is indisputable from their past. The feelings and stories need to be sorted out by the child. It is a difficult and long process. It was especially hard for us because my girls were lied to about their physical health and we had to correct the medical records so they would receive proper treatments.

I have been told our story is not a typical adoption, but my kids are still having typical feelings of adopted children. I try to employ all the tools I have learned from experts in the field. Therapy is a huge part of our lives. We all need therapy to get through all of our “big feelings”. Just as hard as it is to go through trauma, abuse and loss, adopted kids also have to move, change schools, make new friends, and fit into a new family. Parenting all that should be considered an Olympic sport. It is all about endurance, jumping through hoops, following guidelines, getting creative and sprinting at a moment’s notice.

We will do the work. We will take the hurt feelings, as well as the moments of joy. We love our children. We love them not as if they were our own, because they have already experienced disappointment over that. We will love them because we chose them. We prove that love every day when we go into hell and back with them. Every day is a chance for a healing and we want to give them all the chances they need.