Holidays are not for everyone

Were your holidays like you expected? Did you not have the holiday experience that you wanted? Did you or any of your loved ones act in an unexpected way?

Have you or your loved ones ever experience trauma during the holidays? Do you live with someone who was living with an abusive spouse or parent? Have you switched homes during this time of year? Have you lost a loved one during the season?

Trauma acts in many different ways for different people. A very common response to trauma is consciously or unconsciously associating trauma with seasons or holidays. Decorations, music, activities, clothes and holiday expectations can all cause a trauma response in children and adults.

My adopted children have experienced a loss of family and homes at least three times right before Christmas. Possibly more. I have only found records of three losses in December, and more during different times of the year. Soon as December 1 rolls around, my kids are on a countdown to emotional breakdowns. Even after six Christmases in my house, they still cannot shake the feeling like everything is going to fall apart before the big day arrives.

The day after Christmas, they are back to their usual selves. It is almost like nothing happened, but for 25 days of the whole family experiences huge amounts of stress. They try to accuse us of being bad parents, of being abusive, of hating them, or they threaten/attempt to run away. They try to hurt us before we can hurt them. I hope someday they will realize that we will never stop loving them and we will never leave them.

Over the years, we have experimented a lot. Slowly we have been able to find ways to make the holiday season enjoyable for everyone. The biggest three things we have found that work:

1. Change up the menu! If the person with the trauma response has any memories centered around big holiday meals, then switch it up. We tried changing days or times of the big meals, but we had the most fun not having a traditional holiday meal. Our kids freak out if we try to cook home cooked meals and honestly, it’s hard to have the bandwidth to deal with trauma and cook a big meal. For Thanksgiving, we order a pick up meal and then we all heat it up together and sit down to watch the parade. They never watched the Thanksgiving Day Parade before, so there is no trauma association there. For Christmas, we go out for Chinese food. Call around and find out which of your local restaurants will be open for the holiday. Our kids never went out for Asian foods before living with us, so anytime we incorporate them there is no trauma trigger.
2. Take breaks! You can never have too many breaks! Our kids were not used to getting so many gifts. Our relatives really dote on our girls and we do too! We usually open stockings then eat, then open gifts from relatives, then play a game and then finish up gift opening. Keep your eyes open and notice when anyone’s moods change, then take a break.
3. Make a list! Ask everyone what their top three things are to do for a holiday or season. Make sure the lists are actually things that are doable and then do them! Having a focus and everyone knowing what’s important to everyone else is really handy. It gives everyone an idea of what is going to happen and what to expect during the holiday or season.